Family Advice

So i asked a family member for advice, I actually asked for someone to give advice, they had no idea of the subject yet, and upon being asked this was there response. (And you people wonder where I get it from?!)

10 Life changing events that would cause Jared to want my highly unqualified advice:

1. Jared is gay.
2. Jared found an alien crash site in LA that looks very similar to a Fry Electronic store but has great deals on Garmin GPS devices.
3. Jared found the cure for AIDs and coincidentally, it involves fucking a Koala Bear.
4. Jared's long lost great uncle 4 times removed has died and left him a lot of money and he wants to me pay me to be his traveling Kabbalah Guru. (First leasson: Kabbalah spelled backwards is Hola Back, which kinda WOULD make Gwen Stephani a "Hola Back" girl)
5. Jared is a fish.
6. Jared found out his real father is Anthony Lane and has decided to make a career move to Broadway in a musical adaptation of Shindlers List... scenario #1 also applies here.
7. Jared wants to talk about how Jesus Christ is his Lord and Savior and ask if Ive invited him into my heart .... and then ask to borrow money to spread his word. (and Hep C)
8. Jared likes Fishsticks and therefore is a gay fish, see #1 and #5.
9. Jared's Jewish and in love with Shia LaBeouf, see #6.
10. Jared has proof that Chemtrails are a conspiracy to prevent the Chicago Cubs from ever winning the World Series.